haikujaguar: The Admonishments of Kherishdar: HUBRIS

M. C. A. Hogarth (

haikujaguar) wrote,
@ 2008-03-27 11:06:00

Entry tags:

ai-naidar, excerpts, the admonishments of kherishdar

The Admonishments of Kherishdar: HUBRIS

HUBRIS
M.C.A. Hogarth

vauni haale [vauhn nee HAA leh], (noun) — an empty vessel used as a meditation aid; popularized by a historical poem that spoke of filling an empty vase with one's spirit so one could contemplate it from a remove.

      See, I have bad thoughts.
      I know, everyone has bad thoughts. But mine are really bad. Really really bad.
      So, I try to fix them. You know. Correct myself. So no one will notice. Sometimes I'm pretty good at it, the thoughts go away for a week. But most of the time they come back fast, so I do it again.
      I spend a lot of my life trying to fix myself.
      The good part about this is that no one knew. I ended up sick once because I left myself out in the rain and got a fever, but no one knew why I was out there (after that I started doing it in the place-of-contemplation, where I won't catch a chill). But then Father caught me with a whip I stole from the stables and they figured it out.
      It was REEEEEALLY quiet in the House after that.
      Then one day, Father took me to the place-of-contemplation and left me there. With the whip. I wondered what that was about, and then the door opened again.
      Oh... I don't know how I could possibly describe him. But I was ashamed that he was there, and isn't that how it's supposed to work?
      He kneeled beside me and looked at me. "Why?"
      "I have bad thoughts," I muttered.
      "Mmm," he said. "Tell me. What do your studies say about the purpose of Correction?"
      "To make it so you don't err again," I said.
      He nodded. "So, have your self-Corrections taken away your bad thoughts?"
      "N-no," I admitted. Then added, "Well for a little while sometimes, though!"
      He was quiet then, and I fidgeted even though I've been trying to work on my fidgeting. When I thought I would die, he picked up the whip. "You were planning to use this on yourself?"
      It sounded stupid out loud. "Well..."
      "Do you know how?" he asked.
      How hard could it be? He handed it to me. "Go ahead," he said. "Aim for the wall."
      I tried it, but it wobbled all over the place and didn't even land right.
      Shame took the whip from me and turned me to face the empty vase in the front of the room. "Like this," he said, and his body just... just MOVED. And the snap was so loud I jumped.
      The vase wobbled on the pedestal but didn't fall...!
      "True Correction is like a breath of wind on the soul, turning it onto the best waters," Shame said. "Bad Correction..."
      This time the vase shattered and I screamed.
      "...destroys the soul. Tell me, do you have the wisdom to handle the whip?"
      "No!"
      "Who does?"
      "I... well... I guess... my family."
      He nodded. "Do you know why?"
      I shook my head, my heart still thumping.
      "Because they love you. And loving you, they know the you that truly is, rather than the small sliver of it you see inside your head."
      "Oh," I whispered.
      He offered me the whip. I shook my head quickly. "I won't do it again."
      "Good," he said, and went to the door.
      "Shame?" I said. And when he paused, rushed on, "Does that mean you love me?"
      He just smiled and closed the door. I might have squeaked... I'm working on my squeaking. But... you know. In a nice way.
      I leave the rest of it to Father.

Donate.
The Admonishments of Kherishdar.

(Post a new comment)

	naturespirit 2008-03-27 03:22 pm UTC (link)
	Ohhh, that one was nice. (Reply to this)

	archangelbeth 2008-03-27 03:27 pm UTC (link)
	Awwwwwww. (And Shame thinks, with sad, wry amusement, "Amateurs!"...?) (Reply to this)

	sartorias 2008-03-27 03:43 pm UTC (link)
	I like the voice in this one. (I liked the voice in the last one, though I got confused among the pronouns, but I didn't get a chance to reread it despite about a zillion open windws when my timer kept running out on me, so I was forced to close them all) (Reply to this)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-27 03:48 pm UTC (link)
	I may have read my old journals from when I was in my teens before writing this one. >.> <. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	talix18 2008-03-27 04:06 pm UTC (link)
	It worked! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sartorias 2008-03-27 04:31 pm UTC (link)
	LOL! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-27 05:24 pm UTC (link)
	Lots of new respect for YA writers, particularly those who write in their protagonists' voices.... (Reply to this)(Parent)

	tuftears 2008-03-27 10:18 pm UTC (link)
	I liked the squeak at the end. };) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	puffbird 2008-03-27 04:23 pm UTC (link)
	It sounds like a young and timid voice, but one that longs to be loved. :) (Reply to this)

Wow!

ysabetwordsmith
2008-03-27 04:26 pm UTC (link)

This really worked. You did the voice very well. I like the idea of the vase as a meditation aid.

Shame raises some good points about the importance of knowing how to do things, and the difference between good and bad Correction. I think much of human misery comes from a lack of knowledge in how to change bad behavior to good, and damage from poorly-chosen punishment.

This story also illuminates why the Servant of Shame is a priest. Because it's part of a clerical vocation to have access to an echo of the universal Divine love for everyone; it's part of a saint's nature to see with Divine insight the potential for good in a wicked soul; and those things make it possible for Shame to understand what's wrong and how to fix it. Which is a holy thing.

(Reply to this)

	laturner 2008-03-27 05:10 pm UTC (link)
	I really like this one. I originally assumed that an admonishment about hubris would involve some noble who was full of themselves. Wow. (Reply to this)

	dark_blade 2008-03-27 05:27 pm UTC (link)
	soft laugh You capture the agitated voice of a teenager who is TRYING, REALLY, very well. :) (Reply to this)

	I spend a lot of my life trying to fix myself. captainq 2008-03-27 05:38 pm UTC (link)
	I feel like this one was written just for me. Thank you. (Reply to this)

	artfulruin 2008-03-27 07:29 pm UTC (link)
	Hubris. Yes. Very subtle. (Reply to this)

	janni 2008-03-27 10:13 pm UTC (link)
	I was oddly disturbed by the last line. I think because we don't actually know for sure whether his father knows how to correct well or not. Trusting another to monitor our behavior is, in its way, scary as well. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	ladytwnks 2008-03-27 10:37 pm UTC (link)
	yes...but i saw it more as "i can take my problems to father and he will help me find answers" which is how a loving parent should be. correction can be discipline...or correction can be simply guiding someone to a better path than s/he is on at the moment, and helping that one find his/her way. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-28 01:11 pm UTC (link)
	Oh! How interesting! Do you read this one as a male voice? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

janni
2008-03-28 01:57 pm UTC (link)

(thinking) I didn't read it as male or female, I don't think. Going back ... if pressed I'd say male, but mostly I feel like I don't actually know one way or the other.

(thinking more) There's no evidence his father is anything but a decent, concerned parent in the text. But even if we knew that for a fact, I think I'd still be somewhat disturbed. Huh.

Edited at 2008-03-28 02:00 pm UTC

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-28 02:15 pm UTC (link)
	Hmm. Just double-checking. Does the narrator sound young? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	janni 2008-03-28 02:29 pm UTC (link)
	Hmmm. I think like ... either an older preteen or a younger teen? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-28 02:41 pm UTC (link)
	And yet you found it unsettling that a parent is supposed to apply the disciplinary acts? :) (This is an honest question... since human parents are responsible for this, I'm wondering why it bothers you that Ai-Naidari parents might be also.... ) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

janni
2008-03-28 03:05 pm UTC (link)

Not that they would apply them ... that they would be unquestioned in the applying of them, if that makes any sense.

By early teens, I guess I feel like kids should be doing more questioning of their parents, more judging of whether the treatment they're receiving is reasonable. Which in this case it is ... but unquestioning acceptance of parents as always knowing best seems something that in different circumstances could make abuse easier.

And yeah, it would bother me in this world, too, if a teen said, "My Dad knows when I need to be punished." As an adult, I know how fallible we adults are, and while questioning teens can drive adults crazy, and teens do sometimes do have to listen like it or not (and I'm not suggesting discipline shouldn't exist), I think to some extent that questioning is healthy, I guess, and even needed.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	janni 2008-03-28 03:06 pm UTC (link)
	And I should say, I think this story and discussion are giving me interesting things to think about, in terms of just where the balance should be. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-28 03:17 pm UTC (link)
	Then I am content, for your answers have done the same for me. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)

Thoughts

ysabetwordsmith
2008-03-28 03:56 pm UTC (link)

My mother is that accurate. She's almost never wrong. I can only remember a few mistakes she made when I was growing up. I was nearly through college before she made a serious mistake with me -- and she eventually relented on that one. In terms of getting me not to repeat bad behavior, that was more hit or miss; but if she was mad at me, I'd done something to deserve it.

I suddenly wonder if this is part of why students will run crying through the entire school to find her, when there's a crisis. She teaches junior high and high school, and a preferred surrogate parent.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	ysabel 2008-04-08 07:49 pm UTC (link)
	...that they would be unquestioned in the applying of them, if that makes any sense. Yes, it makes perfect sense. (It's even more disturbing if I assume the author is a young female instead of a young male. A lot more disturbing.) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	ysabel 2008-04-08 07:46 pm UTC (link)
	I did. A young male. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-04-08 07:50 pm UTC (link)
	This particular narrator is a girl. (Reply to this)(Parent)

hafoc
2008-03-27 10:56 pm UTC (link)

I doubt Father's abusive in his punishments, if the protagonist's self-punishment disturbed Father enough that he'd seek out Shame.

I'm happy for the protagonist. They learned not to be their own executioner. Perhaps they also learned not to be their own judge.

It's so hard to judge yourself properly, to understand yourself. We have so little experience in it. Understanding others, yes, we have to do that thousands of times. But how can we understand ourselves, when we have only one example to study?

(Reply to this)

	thedigitalkuri 2008-03-27 11:13 pm UTC (link)
	quiet smile I love my parents, so much. My family is atypically close for this generation. I can respect our narrator. smiiiiiles Shame with Whip. nod imagines whipping lessons. .... ponder (Reply to this)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-03-27 11:34 pm UTC (link)
	You perceive he had to learn well. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	miintikwa 2008-03-28 01:37 am UTC (link)
	This one made me smile. (Mostly because the character reminds me terribly of one of my cats. :D) (Reply to this)

	breathingbooks 2008-03-28 02:34 am UTC (link)
	I love the narrator and the ending. (Reply to this)

	genesisdesire 2008-03-28 04:26 am UTC (link)
	Oh, the voice was simply lovely in this one. It captured and conveyed so much, in such tiny, flawless ways. Beautiful. (Reply to this)

	floorlamps 2008-03-28 04:47 am UTC (link)
	...This was nicely timed to a discussion I just had with someone about similar behavior. It made me stop and think, definitely. (Reply to this)

	aintesduck 2008-04-01 08:33 pm UTC (link)
	Hi. I stumbled across your journal, and I find your writing very interesting. Hope you don't mind if I friend you. ^_^ (Reply to this)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2008-04-01 08:34 pm UTC (link)
	Not at all! Welcome! How'd you find me? :) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	aintesduck 2008-04-01 11:48 pm UTC (link)
	I was looking at film2edit's friends' list, and I noticed your latest post. I've been trying to motivate myself to write more, so I checked out your journal and I found it inspiring. (Reply to this)(Parent)

ysabel
2008-04-08 07:47 pm UTC (link)

This right here explains to me why many of the things that make me uncomfortable in your stories work.

"Because they love you. And loving you, they know the you that truly is, rather than the small sliver of it you see inside your head."

In the world I live in and grew up in, assuming that of my family, even the ones who did love me, would've been dangerous for me. Deadly for some people I know.

(Reply to this)

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