Offstage
Unless she's totally exhausted or very hungry, Wigglet will smile at everyone. And if they smile back, she will smile harder, wiggle and sometimes giggle. Thus, one of my favorite things to do now when I have the energy is to toss her in the car and go... somewhere. Anywhere. As long as there's people. I will hang her in her baby-carrier facing outward and wander around, and she'll look at people and beam at them and they'll light up like lamps.
I've only run into one or two people so far who can't smile at a baby who's smiling at them. I'm sure these are the same people who are grinches at Christmas.
Sunday the baby turned six months old; Monday I took her to the doctor for her check-up and her first shots (she's fine). While I was there waiting for them to come back with the immunizations, I bounced her on my knees and thought, "Wow, I've been a mother for half a year... when did that happen?"
Because I don't feel any different. I caught a glimpse of my silhouette in a darkened store window walking back to the car a couple weeks ago, and I don't look any different either. I'm still within the same 30-pound range I've been all my adult life. I've had silver hair since I was 16. I've basically dressed in t-shirts and jeans for years.
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hyanan tells me being a mother has made me change for the better. I've certainly learned a great deal, very very quickly. And all those things they say about the smile of a child and the laughter of children and the trust of your sons and daughters... all that's true. I don't need to tell you again. If you're a parent you know it already; if you're not, you won't get it. I certainly didn't.
But what no one told me, and what I find interesting most of all, is that children teach you that you're not the center of the world. I love taking the baby out and watching her make people smile and knowing that I'm not the one who made them happy. I'm not the most important person in the world. I'm not the only person in the world. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be "on" all the time.
Sometimes, things really aren't about you. At all. And... that's a relief. Part of the peace of letting go and knowing one day you, too will be dust... is understanding that. You can know it intellectually, but nothing teaches your heart that lesson like being a parent.
Now if only I could get some sleep around here....
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