haikujaguar: Love's Masks

M. C. A. Hogarth (

haikujaguar) wrote,
@ 2007-05-14 19:15:00

Current mood:	ah--
Entry tags:	excerpts, meta-conversations, writing

Love's Masks
I work on the novel. I am making so many mistakes so quickly I know I'm on to something. This is a stretch for me, every word of it: I'm on brittle ground, waiting for fractures, and it's good, it's all good.

The Calligrapher is reading Shame's journals, which the emperor sent to him in advance of their meeting so as to acquaint him with his assignment. They discuss all the Corrections Shame has made and their results, a chronicle of his life's work as a public servant:

I continued reading as the day waned, rising only to bring a lamp to my window-seat. Though terse, each entry evoked a self-contained world in all its nuance: a twisted spirit or ungentle mind, the circumstances that had brought it to that sickness, and through each, like a thread of incense, the presence of the osulkedi, Shame's servant, who led each supplicant back to righteousness and cleansed their spirits. It was a book of redemption found in the pain of expiation and the darkness of confession, and I found it haunting, unnerving and irresistible.

I take a break, because fighting for every word and every paragraph is mentally exhausting. There are things coming I'm having a hard time figuring out how to even describe, much less write about. I'm so engaged in trying to wrestle those things into view that I barely notice the shadow over my shoulder, the silhouette in the laptop's LCD.

A low voice behind me says, "Love does not wear many faces. It is we who put masks on Love and use them to deceive ourselves."

Something in me stops. I remember to blink, twist to look over my shoulder. Shame stands straight as a sword and shadowed as a mystery in his long cloak. At my expression, he says, "Do not fancy that all the wisdom in this book of yours is the Calligrapher's, osulkedi aunerai. I too have learned a little on this journey of ours."

"I wouldn't imagine otherwise," I say after I find words again.

He leaves. I look at the 20-odd pages, so hard-won, and wonder where I'm going. And then laugh, because all my best books have made me feel this way. I'm scared. It's good. I write.

Stardancer Home.

(Post a new comment)

	My eyes prickled with tears a little at that.. dakiwiboid 2007-05-14 11:19 pm UTC (link)
	I remember what it's like to suddenly have one of one's characters interrupt one. I hope my ability to write fiction comes back to me. I love both Shame and the Calligrapher. I think I know them. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: My eyes prickled with tears a little at that.. haikujaguar 2007-05-15 01:26 pm UTC (link)
	I hope they do, too, Kiwi. I loved your priestess book and would love to see you get back to it. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	artfulruin 2007-05-15 01:41 am UTC (link)
	I'm scared. It's good. I write. Yeah. :) (Reply to this)

	kemonoart 2007-05-15 02:46 am UTC (link)
	"Love does not wear many faces. It is we who put masks on Love and use them to deceive ourselves." QFT (Reply to this)

Shame's Wisdom

ysabetwordsmith
2007-05-15 05:24 am UTC (link)

>>I work on the novel. I am making so many mistakes so quickly I know I'm on to something. This is a stretch for me, every word of it: I'm on brittle ground, waiting for fractures, and it's good, it's all good.<<

I often tell my students: "If you're not making any mistakes, then you're not learning, you're coasting."

>> I take a break, because fighting for every word and every paragraph is mentally exhausting. There are things coming I'm having a hard time figuring out how to even describe, much less write about.<<

So then, no one else is likely to have described them before you. Fresh is good.

>> A low voice behind me says, "Love does not wear many faces. It is we who put masks on Love and use them to deceive ourselves." <<

Wow. Shame, too, is wise.

>> At my expression, he says, "Do not fancy that all the wisdom in this book of yours is the Calligrapher's, osulkedi aunerai. I too have learned a little on this journey of ours." <<

I can't help but wonder whether that means "alien priest" or "servant of aliens."

>> I look at the 20-odd pages, so hard-won, and wonder where I'm going. And then laugh, because all my best books have made me feel this way. I'm scared. It's good. I write.<<

I think you're right, that your best books are the ones that scare you while you're writing them and leave you unsure of the ending until you get there. At least, that seems to match the ones I've read. The ones you understand early on are entertaining; the ones that keep you on edge throughout are worldshaking by the time they reach your audience. Like some kind of cosmic crack-the-whip game.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Shame's Wisdom

haikujaguar
2007-05-15 01:25 pm UTC (link)

I can't help but wonder whether that means "alien priest" or "servant of aliens."

Shame offers, with one of those little wry smiles, "Do they not both apply?"

I think you're right, that your best books are the ones that scare you while you're writing them and leave you unsure of the ending until you get there. At least, that seems to match the ones I've read. The ones you understand early on are entertaining; the ones that keep you on edge throughout are worldshaking by the time they reach your audience. Like some kind of cosmic crack-the-whip game.

And I think you're the only one who would know, because I think you're the only one who's read them all--well, save one!

(Reply to this)(Parent)

dashingpooka
2007-05-15 01:21 pm UTC (link)

Love having many faces...this assumes we know how to define it in the first place.

Do we even know what it is? No...it's an honest pondering.

I ponder that there are the more traditional views, then poems that speak of it as an undying passion. That there's a 50 percent divorce rate.

That we can say, belief makes something real, and the more power of belief in a thing, makes it more real.

Yet what do you say to those at a wedding who believe in the couple? :)

There are tales that love is a stubborn thing, requiring acceptance and dedication.

Not trying to be a downer...just, it brought questions.

And I know of someone who believes in polyapmory and lives that way.

I wonder if love really does wear a mask, or if that mask is just a function of our lack of understanding?

What do you call a mask that arises from lack of understanding?

And it makes me wonder if the Kherisdhar put as many definitions on it, as many faces, as we do.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	haikujaguar 2007-05-15 01:24 pm UTC (link)
	These are good questions. If I knew the answers... ...well, perhaps I'd be writing a different book. (Reply to this)(Parent)

ysabetwordsmith
2007-05-15 04:04 pm UTC (link)

Or perhaps Love wears its many masks because we need to see something that we can relate to, and the whole truth of it is as mighty and ineffable as the Divine, beyond our mortal capacity to perceive or withstand. Like putting a stained-glass lampshade over a lightbulb so it doesn't blind anyone. Many religions posit one Supreme Being who is beyond mortal comprehension -- and a whole host of lesser Beings each with certain responsibilities, to whom humans can relate and make requests. Much the same premise could apply to Love.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	dashingpooka 2007-05-16 01:07 pm UTC (link)
	Could it? A greater definition of love, and then smaller pieces of it we pick out and draw down to us that we can understand? Mrm. Interesting analogy. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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